Have you not been able to reach Your Full Potential because you were abused? Is the pain of the past holding you back? Did you know 1 in 3 girls are sexually abused and 1 in 5 boys are sexually abused (that are reported)? There are all kinds of abuse but the kinds I understand first hand are sexual abuse, incest rape, emotional abuse, mental abuse and relationship abuse that turned into domestic violence. I was held back from reaching my own Full Potential for many years...I understand first hand!
I was sexually abused starting at the tender and innocent young age of 4. It continued to happen year after year by different people until I was old enough to understand it was wrong, children are not emotionally or mentally developed to handle it psychologically.
It was not something I asked for or caused! I say that in case you have been lied to and believe you did! I know first hand the effects of abuse. I consider people who sexually abuse children worse than murders. They murder their victims but leave them alive! None of my abusers were prosecuted but I was left with a life sentence of torment, pain, confusion and damage. My voice was stolen. I could not speak due to the fear that was used to intimidate me. The fear used was LIES! Your voice is what can and will stop the abuse, have courage to use it if you are in an abusive situation now!
Debra-Age 4
Years were stolen from me. My life was so messed up for so many years. I am still recovering from it (It is a life long process). I made so many bad choices and went down so many dead end roads. I was angry and bitter and I ended up abusing myself in the process. I tried to numb the pain. Nothing worked! I tried to make the pain go away by looking for love. I unfortunately looked for love in all of the wrong places. I just wanted to be loved. I was Hungry for Love! I had no boundaries because they were violated, literally stolen from me at an early age. I believed the lie that I could not say no to men. I felt obligated to say yes! Ever feel that way? Don't feel alone, it is a normal response when someone has been abused (others want nothing to do with sex)! Abuse victims survive and use whatever coping mechanisms they can to get through life.
I chose the wrong kind of guys. I ended up with guys who could not love me the way I needed to be loved; ones who usually cheated on me and broke my heart. I chose guys who I could prove my worth too, since I didn't have any (this is called co-dependency). If anyone was going to love me, then I must earn or prove I was good enough to be loved. The ones that were kind to me, I retreated from, I ran from, I couldn't understand why they were so nice, it scared me they were so nice, because love and nice didn't go together or so I believed.
I then got involved with someone and lived with domestic violence*. I was convinced I was worthless and unlovable. I was convinced no one else would love me and I couldn't leave my situation. Lies.........pure LIES!!!! When the physical abuse started was when I finally left. I struggled with leaving because I loved him so much. This was a false love. I did not understand how the cycle of addictive relationships worked and when he appeared to be remorseful, I accepted the apology and took him back. I understand the fear. I understand the control and the manipulation, the belittling, the domination and the guilt trips that are used. I also understand what it feels like to finally be free from the hate and to forgive someone who deeply hurt me. Once I was able to give the pain to God he removed the hatred from my heart. I had to let go of it, so God could remove it. The day I read the words "Hurt people, hurt people", they changed my life. I knew this person had been hurt very badly as a little boy and that his adult actions were rooted from being hurt as a child. I also hurt him and others because I was hurt! ALL things are possible with God! The road to Freedom is through the doorway of Forgiveness!
I understand firsthand what abuse feels like. I understand the humiliation you live with. I understand the confusion you live with. I understand the deep dark depression. I understand what being codependent means and being so intertwined with someone else you don't know who you are anymore. I understand.................
I lived with regret, shame, guilt, anger, bitterness and torment for 40 years; until one day when I was finally set free! I am here to share with you how I was set free. I am here to share with you how to muster up the courage to stand up for yourself and to begin a new life. Do not be afraid anymore. Do not left FEAR control you! I understand what it feels like to live in fear! I am here to help you, to love you and to let you know that you are not alone. To have someone else who truly understands can't change the situation but it helps to know you are accepted and loved just the way you are! You don't have to remain a victim, you can become a victor. I'll share with you how I went from being pitiful to powerful! You can too!
Until I write more...know in your heart, you are loved, you are worthy and God has a purpose for you. You are meant to do much more than you are doing now. You are meant to be filled with joy and peace not sadness and fear. God is giving you strength to endure things you couldn't endure on your own. He has his angels of protection around you and will not allow anything to happen to you that you can not handle...how can I say this...they were around me and I didn't even know it. He carried me through situations that I could have never gotten myself through.
I will leave you with this thought.........I would not change anything that has happened to me. I am grateful for all that I have been through. I know and believe in my heart that I endured all of it so I could sit here and type these very words. Words that I pray bring comfort, encouragement and hope for you. I made it to the other side and so can you. Do not give up! Do not let any one convince you that you are not lovable! Do not believe the lies that there is no hope for you. No matter how far down you are God can pull you up! It doesn't matter what you have done or what has been done to you! You are important and worthy and there is a better life waiting for you. You can come out of the dark and let your light shine. Do not let what happen to you define who you are or who you can become. We can do all things through Christ who Empowers us because as believers he lives on the inside of you and me <3
In his love,
Debra
(P.S. If you want me to help you find the strength of Christ to help empower you, please email me)
*Domestic Violence Definitions
- DOMESTIC VIOLENCE is a pattern of abusive behavior which keeps one partner in a position of power over the other partner through the use of fear, intimidation and control.
- PHYSICAL ABUSE: Grabbing, pinching, shoving, slapping, hitting, hair pulling, biting, etc. Denying medical care or forcing alcohol and/or drug use.
- SEXUAL ABUSE: Coercing or attempting to coerce any sexual contact without consent, e.g., marital rape, forcing sex after physical beating, attacks on sexual parts of the body or treating another in a sexually demeaning manner.
- ECONOMIC ABUSE: Making or attempting to make a person financially dependent, e.g., maintaining total control over financial resources, withholding access to money, forbidding attendance at school or employment.
- EMOTIONAL ABUSE: Undermining a person's sense of self-worth, e.g., constant criticism, belittling one's abilities, name calling, damaging a partner's relationship with the children.
- PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE: Causing fear by intimidation, threatening physical harm to self, partner or children, destruction of pets and property, mind games or forcing isolation from friends, family, school and/or work.
Do you truly understand how damaging sexual abuse can be? Do you understand how it effects your emotional, mental and physical well being? Why do I act the way I do?? The list belows can help you recognize why. Sexual abuse must be dealt with. The effects of it will not just go away. What is buried alive never dies!
After Effects of Childhood Sexual Abuse
Emotional Symptoms:
Unsupported fears (may or may not be related to sex)
Low Self Esteem, Guilt, Shame
Exaggerated or Diminished feeling of power and control
Difficulty with Trust
Fear of Abandonment
Cognitive Symptoms:
Intrusive images or thoughts about sex
Viewing sex as an obligation
Seeing sex as a means to exert power
Rigid boundaries or lack of boundaries
Confusing sex and love
Poor body image
Amnesia for early years or periods surrounding sexual abuse
Difficulty with authority figures
Behavioral Symptoms:
Somatic Complaints (vague bodily complaints, gastrointestinal problems)
Somatic complaints related to the abuse (genital/urinary pain,
difficulty swallowing, TMJ)
Self Injurious Behaviors and self mutilation (cutting, hair pulling, biting, scratching)
Engaging in physically dangerous behaviors
Sexual Dysfunction:
Males: impotence (can be situational), premature ejaculation
Females: vaginismus, female orgasmic disorder, vaginal pain during intercourse
Compulsive masturbation, frequent anonymous sexual encounters
Stripping, prostitution
Fetishes (inability or difficulty becoming sexually aroused without a
specific object involved [shoe, underwear, picture] or without focusing almost
exclusively on a specific body part [legs, genitalia, feet]
Lack of interest in sex or avoidance of sexual situations
Difficulty staying emotionally and mentally present during sex
Placing self in sexually dangerous situations
********************************************************************************************************************
When any of these symptoms are present, it certainly does not mean the person
was sexually abused, and the symptoms may vary depending on the individual,
the type and duration of abuse, and the relationship to the abuser.
Incest and Child Sexual Abuse: Definitions, Perpetrators, Victims, and Effects
Definition of Child Sexual Abuse
Child sexual abuse is any form of sexual activity with a child by an adult, or by another child where there is no consent or consent is not possible; or by another child who has power over the child. By this definition, it is possible for a child to be sexually abused by another child who is younger than they are.
Sexual abuse includes, but is not limited to, showing a child pornographic materials, placing the child's hand on another person's genitals, touching a child's genitals, and/or penetration of any orifice of a child's body (mouth, vagina, anus) with a penis, finger, or an object of any sort. Penetration does not have to occur for it to be sexual abuse.
Who are the Perpetrators?
Perpetrators are most often someone the child knows and trusts. As far as we know, perpetrators, are most often male relatives, including fathers, brothers, grandfathers, uncles and cousins; friends of the family; or neighbours. Perpetrators can also be female, including mothers, sisters, aunts, babysitters, and grandmothers.
Usually the perpetrator has easy access to the child because s/he has sole responsibility for the child, or takes care of or visits the child, and is trusted by the child's parents.
Where Does Sexual Abuse Occur?
Sexual abuse or incest can occur anywhere, at any time, including in front of other people who do not, or choose to not see. I have heard many stories of children being abused while other people were in the next room, in a car with them, or sitting at a dinner table.
Who is Sexually Abused?
All children are vulnerable to sexual abuse. Sexual abuse and incest occur in every race, class, religion, culture, and country.
Once a child has been sexually abused, and has not received appropriate help, support, and understanding for what has happened, s/he can be particularly vulnerable to being sexually abused again by another perpetrator. This is not the fault of the child. This is due to the fact that she has learned that sexual abuse is something that people will and can do to her/his body.
Children whose emotional needs are not met--who are emotionally deprived, or otherwise abused--can also be more vulnerable because they need attention and some perpetrators exploit that need. Again, this is not the child's fault. The child did not create the fact that her/his needs were not met, nor the fact that someone exploited that need.
Homophobia puts lesbian and gay youth at risk of sexual abuse. Many gay youth are forced to go to adult clubs, bars and other settings in order to explore their sexuality and to meet other prople who are gay. By being in an adult setting they are more likely to be exploited (just as heterosexual girls would be at risk in an adult heterosexual setting). Also, it is unlikely that gay youth will tell anyone if they are abused because they would have to reveal that they were in a gay setting. With little or no access to information about gay sexuality, many youth misinterpret abuse experiences as representing what it means to be gay. This puts them at further risk.
Different Effects and Coping Strategies of Child Sexual Abuse
The effects of child sexual abuse are wide ranging, and vary from survivor to survivor depending on a number of different factors such as the age of the victim, the duration of the abuse, the number of perpetrators, the nature of the relationship with the perpetrator, and the severity of the assault.
I always hesitant to write that last one--the severity of the assault--because all abuse is traumatic and harmful to victims. I have known women quite traumatized by their breasts being repeatedly grabbed when they were a child. While this may not be as severe as some other forms of abuse, it can have strong and long-lasting effects. It's important to remember that while being assaulted in a more violent manner does have its own specific effects, it in no way minimizes the reality and experience of others who have not experienced that kind of violence.
Emotional Effects
Includes feelings of: confusion, powerlessness, helplessness, pain, betrayal, sadness, grief, loss, feeling dirty, shame, vulnerable, unsafe, scared, terrified, horrified, depressed, angry, numb from feelings and body, suspicious, untrusting, tortured, sensitive, emotional, hurt, panic, anxiety, and feeling miserable.
Beliefs About Self
Beliefs about one’s self include: "I am bad, no one loves me, no one could love me, I am unlovable, I am dirty, it's my fault, I'm stupid, I should have done something, I should have told someone, I hate myself, I must be bad, I must have wanted it, I must have done something, I'm being punished, I deserve to die, I don't want to be me, why do these things happen to me, I must have deserved it"
Minimizing Beliefs
Survivors are confronted with overwhelming pain. In order to cope with extreme and intense emotions, the details of what happened, and who hurt them, they may try to convince themselves "it wasn't so bad, it didn't really hurt them, others have been hurt much more" etc. This is a form of self-protection. It did hurt, it still hurts but it may be too hard or scary right now to face it all.
As a form of self-protection, minimizing may help slow the process down which may be what the survivor needs from time to time. As a constant way of coping however, minimization leads to self-blame and self-hatred which is not helpful and hurts a great deal.
Rationalization
Suvivors need to protect themselves from the truth of the situation, after all someone they trusted, and perhaps loved, hurt them very badly. Rationalization is when a survivor explains the abusive behavior away--"he didn't know what he was doing, he was abused himself as a child, he thought he was showing me love, she was really messed up, she didn't mean to hurt me." The survivor is trying to protect her/himself from the horrible truth of the situation.
Denial
Denial is recognizable by a survivor saying, "it didn't happen; I must be making it up; after all how can I be sure anything actually happened; and what if I’m wrong; it probably didn't happen; it couldn’t have happened."
In my experience, some denial even as an adult can be helpful. Denial can help slow the process down. We know denial helps a child to survive. We cannot expect someone to simply abandon their hard earned coping strategies even if they are safe now. Safety is not only an external reality it is an internal one as well. Many survivors do not feel safe and may need some denial to cope with how they feel.
Too much denial leads to all sorts of problems as the abuse is not addressed. This kind of denial is harmful and is fuelled in part by the denial of the "False Memory Syndrome" Foundation and other parts of society who would rather deny than face the reality of child sexual abuse.
Dissociation, DID, MPD, and Multiplicity
We all dissociate to some extent or another. Babies do it quite regularly. It is a natural physiological response to being overwhelmed. Children who are sexually abused are extraordinarily overwhelmed. Dissociation allows the child to literally take a break from the abuse, to distance her/himself from what is going on, and ultimately to survive.
Some survivors describe dissociation as feeling as though they were not really there during the abuse, but were far away perhaps watching from a distance. Some survivors describe it as they split off from the abuse, and floated up to the ceiling or into a crack in the wall. Some survivors go really far away, deep inside themselves, and create different personalities to deal with the abuse. Multiple personalities are usually formed in the context of more extreme, frequent, or sadistic abuse.
Dissociation occurs on a continuum from the far left where someone is not present in the moment and is off somewhere else, they may or may not feel spacey--everyone does this at one time or another. Further along the continuum people feel split, or like they are not one person inside, usually there is an adult and a really vulnerable or hurt kid. Further along, survivors have a few dissociated personalities. Even further toward the right of the continuum, people have many different personalities, identities, parts, fragments, and/or different groups of parts inside. These personalities may or may not have names. Survivors near the right end may not have fully formed personalities, but lots of highly fragmented parts. At the far right end, survivors lose time which they may or may not be aware of. They may find themselves places, and not remember how they got there and have the experience of living different "lives".
In addition to a continuum of dissociation and multiplicity, there is a continuum of co-consciousness--the degree to which parts inside are aware of each other, and communicate and cooperate with one another. Achieving co-consciousness is an important step in the healing process. For help responding to different parts inside and developing internal cooperation see my article DID, MPD, or Multiplicity: Responding to Parts Inside With a Focus on Kids
Problems with Boundaries
Because a survivor's boundaries were not respected--they were utterly violated--s/he may have a lot of difficulty knowing where her/his boundaries are, how to maintain them, and how to protect her/himself from those who do not respect or try to violate her/his boundaries. This leaves many survivors vulnerable to further abuse.
Trusting Others
It can be very difficult for a survivor to trust anyone. It can be even harder when that person is close to them, and cares for them. Often the abuser was that--someone who had a close and trusting relationship with them. Adult relationships, particularly sexual ones, can be quite challenging and triggering for survivors. At the same time, they can be a source of great love, safety, and healing too.
Relationship With One's Body
Since the abuse took place on and in the body, the body can become the enemy. After all many survivors' carry a great deal of pain and memories in their bodies. Desperately needing ways to cope with this pain can lead to a variety of coping strategies including eating disorders, self-injurious behaviors, numbing, inability to enjoy sex, having lots of sex, poor body image, a generalized separation from and disregard for one's body, dissociation, and gender-identity issues.
Coping Behaviors
All
of these behaviors were learned in response to abuse and served an
important purpose--staying sane and alive. It is important to not judge
your or anyone else's ways of coping--you're here because of them.
Other effects
These may include nightmares, insomnia, panic attacks, flashbacks, anxiety attacks, terror, inability to go outside, afraid being alone, afraid being with other people, numerous trigger-responses, headaches, and physical problems (yeast infections, bladder infections, anal bleeding, etc.)
A Final Thought
While it may be tempting to focus on how awful it is to be abused, it's important to not lose sight of the reality that survivors are full human beings with many gifts and talents to offer the world. Some of the most sensitive, intuitive, deep, profound, creative, and hopeful people I've known are incest/child sexual abuse survivors. They were able to be that way by not losing touch with their humanity--their soulfulness--in the face of others' inhumanity. We can all learn a great deal from survivors.
I survived because I knew deep down that I had a BIGGER Purpose! I have been searching for that purpose for 40 years....this is part of it! To encourage and love those who are dealing with the pain and suffering like I have. To let you know that Jesus is waiting for you to run into his arms and be loved and comforted. He will set you Free! He will love you and fill you up like no one on this earth ever can! How do I know...because he did it for me.
The BEST book I can recommend is Hurt People Hurt People by Sandra Wilson. I wrote a paper on it for graduate school and want to share it with you, I pray it brings clarity for you.Graduate School Critique
“ O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no
water.” (Psalm 63:1)
More to come.....................
Hugs,
Debra
